Parents are often surprised to hear that I don’t believe in most of what we think of as discipline (spankings, consequences, timeouts) because it keeps kids from becoming responsible, self-disciplined people. “How will my child learn how to behave?” they ask.

Children learn what they live. The most effective way to teach kids is our modeling, and to treat them the way we want them to treat others: with compassion and understanding. When we spank, punish, or yell, kids learn to act aggressively.

Even timeouts – symbolic abandonment -- give children the message that they’re alone with their big scary feelings just when they need us most. (But I'm a big fan of Time-Ins, during which we create safety, to help the child process the feelings that were causing him to act out.)
Regulate your own emotions.
That’s how children learn to manage theirs. You’re the role model. Don’t act when you’re upset. Take a deep breath and wait until you’re calm before you address the situation. Resist the impulse to be punitive. It always backfires.

Empathize with feelings.
When your child is hijacked by adrenaline and other fight or flight hormones, he can't learn. Instead of lecturing, help him calm down with a "Time-In" where you stay with him. This is not a punishment, but an opportunity to reconnect. If he moves into a meltdown, don't try to reason with him. Just create safety with your compassion. Afterwards, he'll feel so much better, and so much closer to you, that he'll be open to your guidance.